https://dear-diaries.blog/2026/06/25/i-wonder-if-this-is-going-to-be-my-life-from-now-on-watching-my-death-on-tv-over-and-over-until-i-actually-die-i-feel-overall-i-have-been-a-pretty-decent-human-being-in-this-lifetime-i-wonder-if-i/Dear diary + Helpen2026-06-26T05:31:01+00:00I wonder if this is going to be my life from now on..watching my death on tv over and over until I actually die. I feel overall I have been a pretty decent human being in this lifetime. I wonder if I was a horrible person in a past life to deserve this fate. I die while everyone around me thrives. No out. No solution. A never ending loop of despair and frustration, but don’t you dare look at the environmental factors that caused this.https://dear-diaries.blog/2026/06/25/i-am-not-going-to-ca-i-do-not-have-the-time-or-money-certain-actions-that-needed-to-have-been-taken-years-ago-never-occurred-i-am-resentful-that-once-again-all-eyes-are-on-me-on-my-actions-rather/Dear diary + Helpen2026-06-25T06:30:53+00:00I am not going to CA. I do not have the time or money. Certain actions that needed to have been taken years ago never occurred. I am resentful that once again all eyes are on me, on my actions, rather than on you and yours. I have nothing to prove to you. It is the other way around, but you will never see that. I feel like an animal in a zoo. I miss feeling like this is a natural world. I miss love. This world feels controlled and contrived. I wish it wasn’t. Of course it holds good people in it. That is not debatable.