Dear diary + Help

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The most difficult part of my life is not really knowing who anyone is or was. I don’t know who my friends were/are. I don’t know who my lovers were. I don’t always know who my family is. I don’t know who my therapists were. All of my trust has been eroded. I have been wrong. People I trusted, people I loved, were really backstabbing me the whole time. I wasn’t aware. I wasn’t conscious about it. On the other hand some people I wasn’t as close to helped and defended me. I have been trying to figure out who is who since 2011. I will never figure it out. Because of this I will never live on solid ground. Everything will continue to be up in the air. And I will continue to fly blind. If only you could tell me the truth about my existence. You never will because that was never in the algorithm..in your algorithm.
Poli cia
Do bbs. Bs. Brooke. I don’t belong here. Shields. Lds
https://youtu.be/QSg8Y9QPcRE
Just not home https://youtu.be/OWbDJFtHl3w
Color me stupid but I thought pharmaceutical companies were to act in the best interests of the patient, not themselves. I don’t know what your names mean, people they represent, but if something helps me sleep when I have had terrible insomnia all of my life, isn’t that a good thing? Is everything a power grab? I don’t understand. AiW. Alice al ice in wonderland
So Kv are you saying it is the same way in TX as it is here?
Once they start making money from you and gaining more power, they never really let you go, do they? It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter what you do. It doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter if you say no or change your mind. It doesn’t matter if you beg for a better life for your children. There is no escape for you in their movies and shows. They dare to call you a narcissist when they forcibly make the world revolve around them. My goal will continue to be to leave UT if my son is not treated respectfully. It may be no different in TX or anywhere else, but I will have the illusion that it will be…even if I have to lose money once again. Even if you take everything. I don’t like the sound of the sirens even if they are trying to convey something or help. I am reminded of movies where people live and die in camps. I don’t want to die in a camp surrounded by no one in real life who cares. The feeling you have in an abusive relationship. They don’t really want you. They never truly saw you, but they don’t want anyone else to have you. At least I have my son with me. I love him even when he is a pain. I wish I had someone who could speak the truth to me..directly..not through rhymes and riddles. That has not happened since 2011. Why would I think it would change now? I think of the serenity prayer. Agreeable gray..I disagree with you. But you make it abundantly clear you can squash us like bugs or kill us like deer during hunting season, so why argue? Why argue with the safe people? The noble people? The higher than thou people? Believing the results of the midterms will change our situation is also insane, but I can still hope right? I can still believe the world will one day do the right thing. Please God show me the right way to go..the way that will help not only me, but will help my babies as well. Please show me the way. I want to live in a place that feels the least like Nazi Germany however that feels. Please be my inner compass. Show me where we belong if anywhere. Make it right. Get these power hungry imposters away from us. Please bring in real. Keep them away. We were born not being able to see the truth, to know what the real situation is. We cannot see, we can just react, and feel like my dog does when he hears the sirens…out of control inside with no words to explain it. No words at all.
Sometimes I wonder if I was ever wanted anywhere…or if I was just tolerated..for political reasons, for money, for control, for power. I don’t want to look back at my life seeing it from someone else’s VIEW. I want my own view..my own life. I want ownership over my future. Is that even a possibility at this point?
Nicole