Dear diary + Help

• I fear being manipulated as you all can see who is who and what is what and I can’t. I don’t really know who anyone is and I usually assume the best of motives…telling me to change this or that because I think you are trying to HELP. Many times you are not. It is more about control and control of the narrative than it is about helping. Now this whole Cathy Andersic..etc. Cathy the dolphin…I don’t even know what to think. Maybe you are referring to who is in charge at Az. I don’t know. All I know is I am tested and retested and then tested again EVERYWHERE I go. No workplace is safe for me, no job. If they are going to get you they are going to get you one way or another. It is me against multi billion dollar companies…who do you think is really going to win? I may put a dent in the Trojan horse every now and then but I am not going to overestimate my ability to truly change the system. That can only be done by you. I don’t even feel safe in my own home. I never feel safe anywhere. I don’t know who to trust or who not to trust. I don’t know if damage to my property or car is done intentionally or if it is all wear and tear. When you tell me to do something or not to do something I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what movie studio you are with. I don’t know what grievance you have with your opponent. I don’t know any of that. Like a young kid in the middle of a contentious divorce..I don’t know what is really going on. I just feel used a lot of the time…usually by one side more than the other. When I was going through my divorce I tried to keep my mouth shut about issues I had with their father. It was only until later that I complained about him here or there..I am human..not a robot. And I would never tell my kids what I really thought about some people in my life because I would not want to ruin what the relationship they have with those people. I do not want to damage the bonds they have with others because of my assumptions or pride.

• In my dreams I converse with celebrities as if I have known them my whole life. A minute ago I was at party asking Jennifer L if she had a recommendation for a good therapist. I think she said something prior to this like think of your oldest friend and let them go..

• It is difficult to be an example for your children when your hope has been depleted. It is difficult when you feel surrounded by others who only support their team..who appear bought and paid for. I would give anything to have a normal life. If God can hear me Why God? Why? Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why am I always alone? I knew after 2011 what it was like to be alone romantically but I still had hope. No hope anymore. It hurts even more knowing my friends weren’t really my friends…losing a different kind of love overnight again and again. Nothing feels real anymore. What am I showing my children? How to survive? Is that all I am capable of? They lost respect and trust in me after Cypress Creek when all I was trying to do was protect them. That was all I was trying to do. Not only have I lost faith in individuals I have lost faith in medical institutions, protective agencies, and the judicial system. Quite a blow. I know I don’t see the big picture. You won’t show it to me. It is how I felt since 2011. When someone has a cure for a disease but they won’t give it to you because there is too much money involved for them and their causes how are you supposed to feel about that person? Those people? You say you help, but do you really? Or is everything for show 24/7?

• I want to believe..Sas Jordan.

• https://youtu.be/-2U0Ivkn2Ds say something

• How do I appeal to the humanity of those who always viewed humanity as a threat?

• Why did they kill off all of the people I let in?

• My mind: They care? They care. They care?

• Don’t understand.

• No tary. Re tar ded. No Terry. Terry Moore. O2. Room to breathe. Mor man. E=. One day I will get back to living instead of fighting. I don’t even know what I am fighting for anymore. Basic dignity? Respect? Things I will never have.