Dear diary + Help

• Too many warnings regarding something that is happening with my son and the new shower curtain. This is my life. One red alert after another. :( Guess it is going to charity like most other things.

• Who is who in the Bible? Who is who in Hollywood? Who is who in real life?

• The Fan? Confusion.

• Like the Bruce Springsteen song says “Oh, girl, that feeling of safety you prize well, it comes with a hard, hard price. You can’t shut off the risk and the pain without losin’ the love that remains. We’re all riders on this train.”

• I know people warned me at the expense of themselves..that is why I still believe there is more good out there than bad. Because why would you do that for a stranger? Someone you don’t know.

• I ran away from the pain in TX…Only to become numb in UT. When you allow yourself to feel pain you also allow in love. You don’t block it out. That is what I lost when I moved here.. the good along with the bad. Maybe I needed to experience this. I am going back. Maybe nothing will change..most likely nothing will change…but at least I will not accept numbness for the final chapter of my life.

• Numb usually means I am going to cry later.

• Some days: my children think I was delusional/psychotic when I was just trying to protect them!!!!! It has affected every part of their lives and no one was held responsible. Today: My kids thought/think I was delusional and psychotic. It has affected every part of their lives…This is what numb feels like. What else can I do but accept the situation? I can’t change it. Nothing really changes in real life anyway…only in movies are people held accountable.

• There are certain actors whose voices still make me smile. Not in the horror flick way. Just in a way that makes me feel more human. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t experienced both their humor and kindness.

• Some people are upset. I don’t understand why. The people closest to me left or died. I didn’t leave them…the people no longer here…they left me. They died. It is not like any of this is real anymore so why are others upset?