Dear diary + Help

• Don’t think I am going to use the headsets for now.

• My life feels like a never ending Black Mirror episode.

• How do you grieve when you don’t know what happened? When your world is full of stops and starts but no conclusion?

• From my VIEW people don’t like to solve problems in real life…they just like to film them. Prove me wrong. Doubtful you will.

• the sunshine state.. I remember reading on websites women talking about not being connected to their children. That was never the case with my depression. I was always extremely bonded to my children. I just got into a marriage where I did not feel emotionally connected to him and I lost touch with myself. I am not saying he is a bad person. I don’t feel that way. I think inherently he is a good person. We were just not good together. For some reason I feel like this narrative is not accepted. It has to be a problem with me..always. A chemical imbalance, postpartum, etc etc. It is never a problem with the environment. I feel like we both liked each other for the wrong reasons. You can have everything physically on the outside and internally die when there is no emotional connection. An emotional connection with someone who understood and loved me anyway was what I truly wanted. I have never found that..so I will continue to learn to love and accept myself alone .something I did not know how to do before I entered my marriage.

• It is the fear of being trapped that makes me want to run. Too many times people have pretended to be one person and then I found out they were the opposite of who they said they were. The whole Dr Jeckel Mr Hyde. You all know who everyone is and isn’t. I feel like I don’t know who anyone really is or was. That makes me extremely sad because I feel like my history has been erased and replaced. I feel like a prop in all your shows, not an active participant. It doesn’t look like anything is going to change. I am an extremely emotional person inside. So I will have to work on breathing strategies or find something to take away the feeling of being trapped. Because I feel it everywhere I go. And I wish I didn’t feel that way.

• when I am in too much pain I want to run, run, run.

• It is just a feeling of this land is your land this land was never my land that I can’t seem to shake.

• Jessie talking about retirement village in FL. Maybe she meant the Village of SJ. Maybe she was making a joke about my forced retirement in 1999. How I wish I could talk to someone directly. How I wish I could have the whole story. There is some positive I see outside of myself by changing work sites. I never have the real story though. It is difficult to always have so many questions and no answers.

• Funny what conversations transfer over and how some don’t. I am seriously sick of some people. I think I am so glad I got away. But did I really get away because it doesn’t feel like it?Then I think about moving to Jacksonville but I don’t want to end up in Howdy land again. It seems like no matter where I go there is always some vindictive ex posing as a safe guy to gain access to my children. Will I ever be free?