Dear diary + Help

• i think sonny told me about the movie all the pretty horses before he died. He may have mentioned a diferent movie with Matt Damon. I remember watching it trying to figure out why another person i let in had to leave.

• You were showing me. Sometimes people say one thing and do another. I wish it wasn’t that way.

• sometimes i wonder if people look at my life as they do a car crash – they can’t look away, or maybe they can like the shelter animals. It must be difficult for decent people to watch at times. I wonder if they have the ability to put themselves in my shoes…think about what they would or wouldn’t do to survive. Clearly some do not have that ability. They are blinded by class or blood or whatever. I try to stay away from people like that, but sometimes there is no way to escape them. I miss seeing the good in the world. I am going to the the zoo when it is cooler…as long as you can pay when you get there and don’t have to accept some bs terms & conditions for the millionth time. It is where I feel more at home. The animals and I have something in common even though my bars aren’t visible.

• ok so these are warnings…you are warning me.

• I didn’t want life to be about star wars. I wanted life to be about life.

• it could be the opposite..maybe hr is trying to shield me from a hurtful person..i believe that was the case in the past…but if that is the case why do i always need shielding? why isn’t life about growth anymore? nothing is growing other than other peoples pocketbooks. why God? why is it like this? where are you?

• Sometimes it feels like I never got divorced…If I had stayed married I could have had all of the riches in the world..If I remained the world’s favorite punching bag for family members and others I could have anything I wanted. If I dared to become my own person separate from what the world expected from me then I deserve nothing. Not sure why the HR website will not let me add shifts…maybe it has something to do with not buying BeHr paint, maybe I don’t want to continue to be the world’s welfare queen with absolutely no say where any money goes while her and her child’s life is being ripped off, stolen, and torn apart, but I have a right to have my own life and to be treated like everyone else. The world says you are this or you are that. You are her or you are him. All I want to be is myself…but that does not appear to be an option for some. They would rather I remain a mirror to all of their thoughts and desires. The world is about them and had/has nothing to do with what is best for me. I live to serve them..period. There is no equality. It is all smoke and mirrors.

• The Odyssey was a good movie..matt damon ❤️. The end…So..Randy is and will remain in exhile. Ok. I don’t understand but what else is new?

• I can’t find the song I am thinking about…in reference to that bar in Tijuana. Maybe I have the lyrics wrong…that is how much I block things out. I’ll know it when I hear it.

• I do not understand terms and conditions on certain websites (the data on my phone-files, G.A. Hoa website). They say third parties have the right to access and DELETE my data???Also they have no responsibility. No. Absolutely not. You do not have my permission to delete anything. What is wrong with these people/corporations? I do not CONSENT. I simply wanted to update my credit card information. Under no circumstances do I consent to my data, MY life, being erased.