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what was real? was anyone real?
If Randy wants to share our conversations I don’t care. I just don’t like the idea of being forced to share anything. The focus is on finding employment for my son..I’ll probably never see Kevin again although I want to. I am not into playing star wars with the universe. All I wanted, all I want, is real connection. Real love.
I just want a normal life and I can’t have a normal life.
I know people try to warn me about taking certain actions. They try to protect us. I know I don’t usually understand your messages or warnings. I am sorry. I wish I did. I appreciate you going out on a limb to protect us..we are strangers to you. It doesn’t go unnoticed. I know you don’t have to do it..you don’t have to care. I do appreciate it. I really do even if I don’t show it.
Now should I show you all of the expenses I have to pay to pretty much break even on the place in TX? Why don’t we look at all of the money that goes out…All of the millions and billions you make off of destroying our lives (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc) and you continue to try to get me. I am so tired of this..tired of the attention always on me and never on them. They have expensive lawyers and get to plead the 5th on everything. I just get called the 5th on a daily basis or have my previous sex life thrown in my face for no reason. That is what I miss when I watch movies or tv…love..wit..humor..connection…nowdays all movies appear to be about is sex sex sex..There is no connection anymore. Connection is something money can’t buy. Connection was what I wanted when I got divorced. I had it briefly that is how I know it exists. Why won’t you stop harrassing me in the name of Jesus or whomever? I will tell the truth. Why don’t you? Why is it soooo uncomfortable for you to look beyond the mirror. I thought you were trying to access my texts because you want to know what is going on with Randy. It turns out you are just nosey and want to pretend I make a good living in comparison to you. That may have worked when I was a married prostitute, but good luck at getting the public to hate me now. Good luck. I know that what little I build up can be smashed down by you and your wealth/power in a heartbeat. I know that already. But what you cannot kill no matter how hard you try, is my connection to other people…the love I feel for them. You may want to try it sometime..loving others rather than destroying them. With some people I am free again and I thank God every day for my children who taught me how to love. I go into different stores, etc. and see people are living in their own worlds. You believe what your media dictates and you don’t even think for yourselves. Must be nice living in a bubble like that. I used to believe I lived in a bubble too, but mine burst a long long time ago. Now all that is left for me to do is trust again…but I look out and wonder if I really want to do that again. Is it really worth it?
How it feels for me: Screaming for equality but never never taking any concrete actions to change anything. Why would you?
Is Jeff..my so called enemy from college..the only person who cares at my workplace? Feel like crying because I don’t understand. I don’t understand why everyone else is entitled to our lives and money while we are looked at as second class citizens. I don’t understand.
Years of propaganda and my voice doesn’t matter because it didn’t happen and I am crazy. My son can’t get a job because you didn’t get what you wanted from him with your productions. You squeeze us dry and call yourself religious (some of you). I am praying to God for resolution and for safe passage for my son. The people you put in the center of all your stories- stories that seldom resemble the truth- deserve much better. We feel like objects meant to be used, discarded, and lied about for your selfish purposes. Where is the justice in that? I hope you don’t kill Randy too. You always take away anyone who gets too close to us..people who want to help…and not just for the cameras. I need to pray more. I used to see the good in everyone, even the so called bad people. Now I do not see it at all.
i remember on michael r’s facebook friends list i saw the names m.d. and b.a. a looooong time ago. wonder who i was talking to. it probably doesn’t matter anymore.
Ts eliot

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope…