Dear diary + Help

People want to know about Randy (kvn). For a long time I wanted him to come back and save me. I now know that cannot or will not happen. I was happier when we were together.I wish him well. I have always loved him. Anyone who can make you laugh when you are in hell is very rare. I talk about J, S, & R so much because they made me feel normal in artificial surroundings. I have always trusted men more than women. I hate that about myself but it is true. Since childhood I created a fantasy life around someone saving me. God has saved me and he has worked through many people many times. I only wanted someone to be mine in the physical sense. Only mine..another situation that is not possible or allowed in my world. I am grateful for the times they made life feel real. I am grateful for how they made me feel human again…like everyone else. I don’t have many friends but the people I care about I care about deeply.That is why it hurts to not have the whole story…to have them taken out and away and hear everyone elses versions of events..to not be able to talk to them directly. I talk through people but never to them..It is a lonely place to be. Then I am told indirectly by different women he was only acting with me while pretending to be with them. I am told he was with me to hurt his opponent, not because he loved me. I can’t say that doesn’t hurt. The whole reason I wanted a divorce was to find someone who loved me for me…for my soul..and not someone who wanted to change me into someone I wasn’t. I wanted to be with someone who I wasn’t always trying to change. Replacements cannot work with me anymore. It takes me years to trust someone. That is why they want to get rid of me, discard me, the same way they kill off anyone who opposes their world view. Anyone they can’t control. Sometimes it feels so hopeless. I need to get out into nature. Please let it heal me…just for today.