Dear diary + Help

It is sad that my life has become a game of Who is behind the curtain? Who is the wizard of oz is behind the mirror this time? Who is pulling the strings and attempting to control the narrative-again? Why can’t people at the top just help to help and not try to control everything? This is why art has turned to sh!t. Nothing is natural anymore and it all feels controlled..A simple act of kindness is viewed with skepticism and suspicion (i.e. come live here you will be safe…as long as the world accepts my narrative and we can use your body for our shows…mostly horror movies. Or come take this job you will be safe…while systematically setting you up and constantly trying to catch you doing something wrong instead of teaching you). It is all a game of controlling the human sacrifice who they view as inferior.. Keep the public focused on the ants 24/7 and not the spoiled rotton child/adult frying them in the sun with a magnifying glass. People attempt to take away the magnifying glass, but like my life, they are never quite successful, are they? At first there are tears and trust regarding offers of safety, but the trust morphs into more questions than answers. It changes to the question Who is makiing you say or do this? Narrative control after I win (the public trust, an uncomfortable truth, etc).I think people are being honest, when all they are really doing is controlling the means of production or finding new ways for their egos to be stroked after taking a beating from the public. KC can talk about the environment and the people destroying it can mock him by pretending to agree with his post. Anyone allowed in has to agree to certain terms & conditions set by others, in order to achieve others goals. Terms & comditioms fair to everyone else, except for us. Help becomes pain. A hand up becomes a hand out. The person helping has to take certain actions in order to stay in the game. Muddy waters.. Nothing is clear. Everyone is controlled. For example I can be in a love story as long as the man I am with agrees to do a few abusive commercials during the break to satisfy the sponsors. Their actions are controlled. Our lives are controlled. There is no free will. It is all about who is benefiting from what. The people in control are viewed as saviors while the human sacrifices they believe they are representing are viewed as cattle, stock. I don’t feel like a human being anymore. We are just products of our environment. When I want to escape a certain environment the money interests make sure that is impossible. There is no escape for us in the name of helping. Some leaders are the most dangerous because they have the power to convince the world you and others are dangerous (mostly for talking back). Their crimes against humanity are dismissed and ignored because they are the good guys. There is no escape for me..Who is behind the curtain this time? There is no freedom. You all don’t exist, right? So it will never change.

i want to trust again but I just can’t.