Dear diary + Help

The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is the time when she decides to leave. Now imagine if the person who sees you as their partner has the full force and power of certain agencies behind him or her. That is why I feel there is no respite or escape…even in “sanctuary” cities. Certain people call ohers monsters so they never confront the monster within themselves. I am always on guard…wondering what they are going to do next…hurt another animal, hunt another human, embarrass my children, hurt my children, make it so I can’t sell my place (they have the money..I don’t)..make my car break down. I never know. This has nothing to do with lpve, or concern, or worry and everything to do with control. If they can’t control you anymore they attempt to control your image. I committed the heinous act of wanting to separate..wanting to be free. I know they want me to believe that is not possible..I could not survive without them the “protectors.” They kill off people who try to help me. Close your eyes for a second..imagine 5 of the people closest to you not being who they said they were…losing them overnight and having everyone accept it. That is just how the world is. Forget it psychologically shattered me. We have a therapist and a pill to treat that. But don’t you dare talk about how the environment affects you…no one wants to hear it. This is the way the world has always been. Target practice of other humans who do not accept our world view is fine. God..I cannot accept this. I think about the serenity prayer..please give me the courage to change what I can. Please guard my children. Please help me to find the good in this world again.