feel uneasy sharing insecurities, but i always know they attack no matter what i do, so what the hell. I never feel feminine or pretty anymore. Actually when I was younger I only remember feeling pretty two or three times..in Lake Tahoe wearing a black dress and at a high school reunion. I know my strength comes from the inside, not on getting approval from the outside…because it was never enough and I was my worst critic. I just would like to get in touch with my softer side. I want to feel feminine again. I am going to force myself to wear a dress today. I don’t want my life to be only about survival. I don’t want to always be on defense. I am so far away from who I used to be and who I want to be. With so much loss..everyone I have gotten close to has disappeared or died..I don’t want to lose myself in the process. In a cruel world I have to learn to be gentle with myself. Otherwise I will not survive.