Dear diary + Help

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How it feels for me: Screaming for equality but never never taking any concrete actions to change anything. Why would you?
Is Jeff..my so called enemy from college..the only person who cares at my workplace? Feel like crying because I don’t understand. I don’t understand why everyone else is entitled to our lives and money while we are looked at as second class citizens. I don’t understand.
Years of propaganda and my voice doesn’t matter because it didn’t happen and I am crazy. My son can’t get a job because you didn’t get what you wanted from him with your productions. You squeeze us dry and call yourself religious (some of you). I am praying to God for resolution and for safe passage for my son. The people you put in the center of all your stories- stories that seldom resemble the truth- deserve much better. We feel like objects meant to be used, discarded, and lied about for your selfish purposes. Where is the justice in that? I hope you don’t kill Randy too. You always take away anyone who gets too close to us..people who want to help…and not just for the cameras. I need to pray more. I used to see the good in everyone, even the so called bad people. Now I do not see it at all.
i remember on michael r’s facebook friends list i saw the names m.d. and b.a. a looooong time ago. wonder who i was talking to. it probably doesn’t matter anymore.
Ts eliot

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope…
i think sonny told me about the movie all the pretty horses before he died. He may have mentioned a diferent movie with Matt Damon. I remember watching it trying to figure out why another person i let in had to leave.
You were showing me. Sometimes people say one thing and do another. I wish it wasn’t that way.
sometimes i wonder if people look at my life as they do a car crash – they can’t look away, or maybe they can like the shelter animals. It must be difficult for decent people to watch at times. I wonder if they have the ability to put themselves in my shoes…think about what they would or wouldn’t do to survive. Clearly some do not have that ability. They are blinded by class or blood or whatever. I try to stay away from people like that, but sometimes there is no way to escape them. I miss seeing the good in the world. I am going to the the zoo when it is cooler…as long as you can pay when you get there and don’t have to accept some bs terms & conditions for the millionth time. It is where I feel more at home. The animals and I have something in common even though my bars aren’t visible.
ok so these are warnings…you are warning me.
I didn’t want life to be about star wars. I wanted life to be about life.