Dear diary + Help

• Most of my frustration comes from not knowing who anyone is or was.

• https://youtu.be/_fDbvclLRs8?si=-reJ_EZIdjoWDRtT

• https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_nQ_o_Rd5qNesy6qs22aOrXaSiu41D8YeE&si=mPGSLB08yVCCdb70

• How can you claim this is a free world when you kill off anyone I get close to? How can I feel love for anyone under these conditions? I cannot believe this is my life. It always starts like this…feeling under the weather…blood work comes back irregular, post nasal drip, cancer, etc. How can they get away with this? How did killing become so normal? Why does my life not matter? What is there to look forward to if everyone I get close to is under threat of injury? Or is that the point? To erase all hope in order to maintain control?

• You don’t want him talking to me. Don’t kill him.

• what was real? was anyone real?

• If Randy wants to share our conversations I don’t care. I just don’t like the idea of being forced to share anything. The focus is on finding employment for my son..I’ll probably never see Kevin again although I want to. I am not into playing star wars with the universe. All I wanted, all I want, is real connection. Real love.

• I just want a normal life and I can’t have a normal life.

• I know people try to warn me about taking certain actions. They try to protect us. I know I don’t usually understand your messages or warnings. I am sorry. I wish I did. I appreciate you going out on a limb to protect us..we are strangers to you. It doesn’t go unnoticed. I know you don’t have to do it..you don’t have to care. I do appreciate it. I really do even if I don’t show it.

• Now should I show you all of the expenses I have to pay to pretty much break even on the place in TX? Why don’t we look at all of the money that goes out…All of the millions and billions you make off of destroying our lives (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc) and you continue to try to get me. I am so tired of this..tired of the attention always on me and never on them. They have expensive lawyers and get to plead the 5th on everything. I just get called the 5th on a daily basis or have my previous sex life thrown in my face for no reason. That is what I miss when I watch movies or tv…love..wit..humor..connection…nowdays all movies appear to be about is sex sex sex..There is no connection anymore. Connection is something money can’t buy. Connection was what I wanted when I got divorced. I had it briefly that is how I know it exists. Why won’t you stop harrassing me in the name of Jesus or whomever? I will tell the truth. Why don’t you? Why is it soooo uncomfortable for you to look beyond the mirror. I thought you were trying to access my texts because you want to know what is going on with Randy. It turns out you are just nosey and want to pretend I make a good living in comparison to you. That may have worked when I was a married prostitute, but good luck at getting the public to hate me now. Good luck. I know that what little I build up can be smashed down by you and your wealth/power in a heartbeat. I know that already. But what you cannot kill no matter how hard you try, is my connection to other people…the love I feel for them. You may want to try it sometime..loving others rather than destroying them. With some people I am free again and I thank God every day for my children who taught me how to love. I go into different stores, etc. and see people are living in their own worlds. You believe what your media dictates and you don’t even think for yourselves. Must be nice living in a bubble like that. I used to believe I lived in a bubble too, but mine burst a long long time ago. Now all that is left for me to do is trust again…but I look out and wonder if I really want to do that again. Is it really worth it?