Dear diary + Help

• When I watch certain tv shows or movies I think I am nothing more than a factory farm animal. Sometimes it feels like the whole world cares..they just can’t or won’t do anything to help. Other times it feels like no one cares. Because if they did they would speak directly to me instead of explaining everything through their art. Very isolating. Always alone.

• when art and reality collide

• RIP Hayden..:(

• So there are warnings and warners and I don’t know who is who most days. All I can keep thinking of is I am 58..why are they still doing this to me? How can I be that much of a threat by wanting to be left alone. Why do people do so much damage? Why is their art so much more important than our lives?

• I am sorry I have been difficult. I am sorry I have loved all of the wrong actors. It doesn’t mean the people I have not connected with were unlovable, just as I am not unloveable when you were pretending I was someone else (how convenient). It just means it was not a match. I am sorry my pride gets in the way of being real most days. I am sorry my sharp tongue hurts you when I am defending myself. Basically to sum up my personality…I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…I am not sorry. Even when it kills me.

• Loving people, even people I wasn’t supposed to love, messed up EVERYTHING.

• sometimes it is not all about lovers. Sometimes it is. Sometimes I miss friends too. Oh well. I can’t go back or change the past. All we can do is go forward. 

• People I wish I still could reach out to and say hi. But they are gone, gone, gone.

• working in jacksonville…i mean slc. hope it will be ok.

• one of my biggest faults is thinking it is going to be different this time. it is never different.