Dear diary + Help

• wondering now if Randy was making fun of me the whole time too, like so many others. Will never know.

• feel like crying about Jim again. Moved to Utah because I wanted to get away from the bad memories in Texas. Then bad things started happening here. It may have been bearable if good things happened along side of all of the bad, but that never seems to be the case in my life. The sad thing is I know Jim was trying to warn me about certain people but I couldn’t understand what he was saying and why he acted the way he did. It hurts so badly not understanding..playing charades with the world. I still don’t know to this day if he was acting or was imitating someone else for political reasons, if he was being protective, making fun of my past, what? I don’t know and I’ll never know. That is the tough part. And yet I am expected to move forward not understanding the circumstances or the past. How can you expect to have any kind of future when you don’t understand anything about the past? I told him he would die if he didn’t stop drinking. Honestly I didn’t think he would die so soon. I thought there was still time. I don’t understand anything or anyone.

• breathing a tiny bit easier…hope it lasts.

• What I found: Men and women who compared me to hotter younger models non stop. They thought it was funny to pretend she (whomever he or she was paying and promoting at the time) was so much prettier, smarter, blah, blah, blah, than I was. Many women supported their pyramid schemes and found that humor appealing. I know it says more about their character than mine, but whatever. I really thought, I truly believed, the world was not so superficial and fake. But I have to admit..it truly is that superficial/artificial in most cases. No wonder when I first had to meditate at the Hope House I saw a cartoon looking tree. Nothing was real. Nothing natural. And the times I felt a hint of connection you took away those people before any meaningful bond could occur. That is why I am pissed. I wanted real. I never got it.

• Me: Left my marriage because I believed I could find true love. I mistakenly thought at the time I could find a man I could love and who would love me for the right reasons. My ex told me he loved me but I never felt it because it didn’t seem like he liked me (repeating old patterns I guess).

• so when you say this land is your land, this land is my land…you are lying.

• I know I am going to always be alone as a result of the abuse I endured. I also know that you must have threatened Randy. He is not allowed to talk to me.

• maybe I shouldn’t have given him my phones. Maybe he deleted data. ? I don’t trust anyone anymore. They all are pretending to be someone else.

• When they were little and I held them close I really believed I could protect them. How wrong I was. They taught me about unconditional love. I had never really felt it before. My babies will probably not have babies. Does that mean the experiment ends?

• Trying to calm my mind down to sleep…don’t know if I can. Tired and sad about all of the depravity in the world. Sick of people who feel absolutely justified in their conviction that abuse of others is ok. Wondering about the games that were played with me and my son the past year(s). There is no escape and no safe space.