Dear diary + Help

• Sometimes it feels like I never got divorced…If I had stayed married I could have had all of the riches in the world..If I remained the world’s favorite punching bag for family members and others I could have anything I wanted. If I dared to become my own person separate from what the world expected from me then I deserve nothing. Not sure why the HR website will not let me add shifts…maybe it has something to do with not buying BeHr paint, maybe I don’t want to continue to be the world’s welfare queen with absolutely no say where any money goes while her and her child’s life is being ripped off, stolen, and torn apart, but I have a right to have my own life and to be treated like everyone else. The world says you are this or you are that. You are her or you are him. All I want to be is myself…but that does not appear to be an option for some. They would rather I remain a mirror to all of their thoughts and desires. The world is about them and had/has nothing to do with what is best for me. I live to serve them..period. There is no equality. It is all smoke and mirrors.

• The Odyssey was a good movie..matt damon ❤️. The end…So..Randy is and will remain in exhile. Ok. I don’t understand but what else is new?

• I can’t find the song I am thinking about…in reference to that bar in Tijuana. Maybe I have the lyrics wrong…that is how much I block things out. I’ll know it when I hear it.

• I do not understand terms and conditions on certain websites (the data on my phone-files, G.A. Hoa website). They say third parties have the right to access and DELETE my data???Also they have no responsibility. No. Absolutely not. You do not have my permission to delete anything. What is wrong with these people/corporations? I do not CONSENT. I simply wanted to update my credit card information. Under no circumstances do I consent to my data, MY life, being erased.

• Life is grand living in the movie the adjustment bureau 24/7. I think there is a happy ending in that movie. Not so much in my life..

• when people want to fight fair around here i’ll do the same…but until that time i will engage in the wrong behavior…just like you.

• Let me put it this way. I don’t know the name of the band…may have been inxs ..but there was a song playing in the bar and i believe the lyrics were Desire…come and get it come and get it come and get it…around the time I was sexually assaulted in Tijuana..When I would hear that song or a similar song I would have a visceral reaction to it. I would feel fear and would want to run away inside. Obviously nothing is wrong with the song…it is the association to the assault that is the issue. Since the secret was revealed to me in 2011 there are voices I associate with the betrayal. Like fingernails on a chalkboard I do not want to hear them. I turn away and they always pop back up. There is no escape for me. The unpleasant association has been made, but they won’t let me move on with my life. They still try to control me, make me see things their way…Didn’t I see such and such movie? Don’t I understand how great they are? Can’t you see it doesn’t matter to me who you are or who you think you are? I watched countless people get fired or killed for being kind to me. I will not change my mind..even if they are not evil, the association has been made, similar to hearing that song. I need separation. Please go on with your life and let me live mine. I don’t care who you are in a union with or who you are married to. It is not my concern. Please let me go and leave me alone.

• one day i will fly away home.

• My children and I make mistakes…we feel shame..and do our best not to repeat those mistakes. Some of you treat us like we ARE mistakes…big difference. I do not know why it is so threatening for some to view us as human beings with the same needs for safety, security, hopes and dreams that they have. They treat us like zoo animals. They look at us, sometimes poke and prod us or test us, and judge us non stop. Who gave them the right to do that? Did God give them that right? Why do they think they are above us? Why do they feel superior? Is it their rank? Their title? Their ability to control? Their money? Fame? What? What is it?

• Today I am mostly upset because you won’t let people talk to me directly. It feels like you don’t want them to influence my decisions. Other people try to help but it is all indirectly. It is not that I don’t appreciate their help, but why can’t I talk to anyone directly? I guess you don’t want your economy to be hurt, but what about our lives? Our welfare? Our economy? Why can’t I make an informed decision about my future? Why is it always tied in to your future? I am just sad. I don’t understand. If it was a situation that I didn’t understand, but I thought you were working in the best interests of myself and my children that would be one thing. But it doesn’t feel like that. Lying about someone, saying they are a daily drinker, etc. when they hardly drink at all is just evil. Why do you behave like this? It is a fun house of mirrors 24/7, but nothing is funny. I want to escape, but feel I can’t. Then I worry that you will kill off anyone who tries to help me if his help is not aligned with your money interests…I don’t want to have to worry about that. I just want to live my life. You have not been honest with the world. What am I not understanding?