Dear diary + Help

• sometimes music expresses feelings better than I can..memories and dreams mostly from the past. https://youtu.be/Z5-NDdyVBJw?si=ocZseEbhm7UU8wo-

• with the data centers..you get so tired of giving, and giving, and giving…watching everyone around you become rich and treating you like you are nothing. Then you see what is inputted does not match the output. You also have to listen to other people calling you the mooch or taker when all they do is deceive, and take, and use your body for their horror flixs, etc. I would attempt to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but you took away my boots a long time ago. It is never enough for them. Their blood lust is never satiated and I don’t know how to deal with that. But there is no other choice. I have to deal with it to stay strong for my children…who will most likely incur the same fate.

• People want to know about Randy (kvn). For a long time I wanted him to come back and save me. I now know that cannot or will not happen. I was happier when we were together.I wish him well. I have always loved him. Anyone who can make you laugh when you are in hell is very rare. I talk about J, S, & R so much because they made me feel normal in artificial surroundings. I have always trusted men more than women. I hate that about myself but it is true. Since childhood I created a fantasy life around someone saving me. God has saved me and he has worked through many people many times. I only wanted someone to be mine in the physical sense. Only mine..another situation that is not possible or allowed in my world. I am grateful for the times they made life feel real. I am grateful for how they made me feel human again…like everyone else. I don’t have many friends but the people I care about I care about deeply.That is why it hurts to not have the whole story…to have them taken out and away and hear everyone elses versions of events..to not be able to talk to them directly. I talk through people but never to them..It is a lonely place to be. Then I am told indirectly by different women he was only acting with me while pretending to be with them. I am told he was with me to hurt his opponent, not because he loved me. I can’t say that doesn’t hurt. The whole reason I wanted a divorce was to find someone who loved me for me…for my soul..and not someone who wanted to change me into someone I wasn’t. I wanted to be with someone who I wasn’t always trying to change. Replacements cannot work with me anymore. It takes me years to trust someone. That is why they want to get rid of me, discard me, the same way they kill off anyone who opposes their world view. Anyone they can’t control. Sometimes it feels so hopeless. I need to get out into nature. Please let it heal me…just for today.

• Just had a dream about tc. Then I wake up and see that email. Strange. Even though my dreams have been chaotic and a little crazy I am more trusting in them. I don’t have a defeatist attitude in dreams most of the time. I still think life can change and get better. Then I wake up..and I recognize how far away I have drifted from change.

• I feel stuck in Utah. Stuck by other people’s expectations…by Sharia law…by other people wanting to use my body to interact with each other. I do not know if I can ever escape. I do not know if it will be different in Florida. Newton courts and Flournoy courts. Maybe there is no difference. Maybe all of life is truly a stage. Maybe nothing is real except for my children. As a child I felt the ocean held the answers. If I could just get outside of myself for a minute..look at the ocean. Maybe I could find peace. Maybe I could get answers.

• “So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe. And I’ll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. Hope it’s nice where you are.” Taylor Swift Last Kiss. Also James Taylor..not sure how it is related just know that it probably is. There has been so much loss. I still remember the battle between you and Sonny. How he lost by dying. Now you are dead. Why? Why did this all happen? How did this all happen? Was this all about politics? Can I recover from any of this? Or is life only about survival? That is all life has been about since 2021. Why did you take the actions you did? Were you both determined to defeat each other or to defeat me? What was the real story? Did anyone care or was/is it only about watching what happened in movies from now on? I wanted so much more.

• Just saw a movie that reminded me of Jim. Should have, would have, could have. How can you describe the feeling of almost letting someone in? His alcoholism killed us, but still I grieve for what could have been. Since my divorce I was always looking for the one true love. But everyone I love dies or is taken away. I can’t do this anymore. I am too old to do this.

• When can I begin again? Where can I go for help?