Dear diary + Help

• 4th of July..one of my favorite celebrations…memories of the past. Kevin..Jim. Carefree. Felt free. Do not feel that way anymore. Wish it was different.

• Watched Pleasantville. A song took me to it. Cute movie. How did we go from watching movies like that to almost every movie or tv show becoming a Walking Dead episode? What happened? Was it when certain people in power heard the words no or boundaries for the first time? Why are their lives so much more important than ours? My son still does not have a job…real world consequences. Do you understand that?

• pretty much..https://youtu.be/CmlnO1EwCT4?si=xwmrjxk8CLFJ2k-K

• probably not apple approved but oh well https://youtu.be/L9Wnh0V4HMM?si=p6TXyw0cjLddMF4y

• I know the focus is always on me. Also they like to keep the focus always on me (gee I wonder why?), but please don’t forget about the millions of shelter animals that die on a yearly basis. So many of them hoping to find a home, to have someone care about them, before they die on a concrete floor…alone. Please adopt if you can. You can make a difference. Yes I was dealing with thousands back then and yes I would have done a few cases differently..but I know I made a positive difference overall. If you are on the fence about saving a life please don’t hesitate. They deserve better. They deserve a second chance. We all do.

• If I have to listen to another human trafficker talk about what box goes with what penis I think I am going to puke. I know I live in a penal system and all, but isn’t there more to your personality than who you are pretend married to or screwing? Do you not have your own personality and identity? Are you all just puppets? I honestly don’t get the insecurity. Maybe at one point in my life I did, but not anymore. People are not numbers. They should have free will..I should be able to choose who I love. He should be able to love me if he wants to. Why do you always have to interfere with everything? Why can’t you just let me go personally? Who are you to try to control everything? Am I not allowed to have crushes on people for brief periods of time, listen to certain music, buy certain products, drink from the same water fountains, etc? Hypocrites. Yet you are entiteled to every part of my life including my children and their futures (if they even have one). You are not God. Do you think you are?

• I want to leave Utah. I am not Mormon.

• It makes me sad to realize so many people are bought and paid for. They only see what their puppet masters want them to see. They cut and edit others’ lives just for sound bites. It is like they don’t want to see or acknowledge the so called monster they are fighting is within themselves. It sometimes feels like I am not talking to human beings anymore. It feels like I am talking to programmed bots. I can’t do anything about it. They are still going to put on their programs around me. I just wish I could escape them and try to have a more normal life after all of their damage. I know money interests are more important to the world than our individual lives. Again their images of themselves are what matter most. I just wish they didn’t include me in their dramas and could do their own thing by themselves. Somehow they have to use my microphone, my body, my life, to get their agenda out. I wish they didn’t.

• is it safe to post here or am i just a double p? A w portland? A double someone i am not…again. we used to call her grandma p.

• I miss having what I believed were real conversations with people..real connections.