Dear diary + Help

• just had a dream about the breaking backs people, you know, the good guys. They have to harm defenseless people and animals on the ground in order to play heroes in movies..God help us all.

• Wish there was a pill to cure the feeling of isolation and separation I have always felt.

• Getting the distinct feeling I was screwed ($) once again because I trust all of the wrong people. But with everyone wearing masks and acting around me 24/7 how was I to know?

• Why does everyone in my world pretend to be someone else? Why isn’t anyone themselves anymore?

• The worst feeling in the world is when you don’t have control of your destiny…when it feels like someone else does.

• Progress to them meams more fame, money, houses, power, glory, etc. In terms of me they think they have made great progress by claiming maybe she doesn’t have a penis and maybe she is not retarded…just maybe. Lucky me. So appreciative of your help. Also they don’t exist. It is all in my head and anyone who dares to get close to me is highly controlled or killed off. Tell me, what the hell is there to look forward to in your version of Utopia? Did what I want ever matter to anyone?

• They want my life to be an outward manifestation of their inner turmoil. In other words they do not want what is best for me.

• I wonder if this is going to be my life from now on..watching my death on tv over and over until I actually die. I feel overall I have been a pretty decent human being in this lifetime. I wonder if I was a horrible person in a past life to deserve this fate. I die while everyone around me thrives. No out. No solution. A never ending loop of despair and frustration, but don’t you dare look at the environmental factors that caused this.

• I am not going to CA. I do not have the time or money. Certain actions that needed to have been taken years ago never occurred. I am resentful that once again all eyes are on me, on my actions, rather than on you and yours. I have nothing to prove to you. It is the other way around, but you will never see that. I feel like an animal in a zoo. I miss feeling like this is a natural world. I miss love. This world feels controlled and contrived. I wish it wasn’t. Of course it holds good people in it. That is not debatable.

• Since becoming aware, since 2011, it feels like art no longer imitates life. It feels like certain people’s art dictates the way the world is going to view life. Life imitates art. Nothing feels natural anymore. Everything feels artificial and forced.