Dear diary + Help

• I feel stuck in Utah. Stuck by other people’s expectations…by Sharia law…by other people wanting to use my body to interact with each other. I do not know if I can ever escape. I do not know if it will be different in Florida. Newton courts and Flournoy courts. Maybe there is no difference. Maybe all of life is truly a stage. Maybe nothing is real except for my children. As a child I felt the ocean held the answers. If I could just get outside of myself for a minute..look at the ocean. Maybe I could find peace. Maybe I could get answers.

• “So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe. And I’ll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. Hope it’s nice where you are.” Taylor Swift Last Kiss. Also James Taylor..not sure how it is related just know that it probably is. There has been so much loss. I still remember the battle between you and Sonny. How he lost by dying. Now you are dead. Why? Why did this all happen? How did this all happen? Was this all about politics? Can I recover from any of this? Or is life only about survival? That is all life has been about since 2021. Why did you take the actions you did? Were you both determined to defeat each other or to defeat me? What was the real story? Did anyone care or was/is it only about watching what happened in movies from now on? I wanted so much more.

• Just saw a movie that reminded me of Jim. Should have, would have, could have. How can you describe the feeling of almost letting someone in? His alcoholism killed us, but still I grieve for what could have been. Since my divorce I was always looking for the one true love. But everyone I love dies or is taken away. I can’t do this anymore. I am too old to do this.

• When can I begin again? Where can I go for help?