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1 Corinthians 13New International Version

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I…
I don’t know if I regret giving it (material goods) all away…or watching people take them.. I don’t know how I could have protected myself from the amount of hate and greed that would come my way..I do know I was worried my children and I would not survive at one point. At least I still have my children..who taught me what love was. We have survived up until now because of the kindness of strangers. Thank you God for giving me that tremendous gift. Thank you for showing me what is most important in life even on the days I don’t recognize what you have given me.

1 Corinthians 13New International Version 13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but…
https://youtu.be/3YxaaGgTQYM?si=6x3pLyEpsJl-PlQC
https://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo?si=qdToyLnTYQowXAqo
https://youtu.be/Vk0xkd8qs9I?si=HtISFr5lHcX4d2Hn
https://youtu.be/tEnCoocmPQM?si=xu9BpbnIG10niA2O
sometimes music expresses feelings better than I can..memories and dreams mostly from the past. https://youtu.be/Z5-NDdyVBJw?si=ocZseEbhm7UU8wo-
with the data centers..you get so tired of giving, and giving, and giving…watching everyone around you become rich and treating you like you are nothing. Then you see what is inputted does not match the output. You also have to listen to other people calling you the mooch or taker when all they do is deceive, and take, and use your body for their horror flixs, etc. I would attempt to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but you took away my boots a long time ago. It is never enough for them. Their blood lust is never satiated and I don’t know how to deal with that. But there is no other choice. I have to deal with it to stay strong for my children…who will most likely incur the same fate.
People want to know about Randy (kvn). For a long time I wanted him to come back and save me. I now know that cannot or will not happen. I was happier when we were together.I wish him well. I have always loved him. Anyone who can make you laugh when you are in hell is very rare. I talk about J, S, & R so much because they made me feel normal in artificial surroundings. I have always trusted men more than women. I hate that about myself but it is true. Since childhood I created a fantasy life around someone saving me. God has saved me and he has worked through many people many times. I only wanted someone to be mine in the physical sense. Only mine..another situation that is not possible or allowed in my world. I am grateful for the times they made life feel real. I am grateful for how they made me feel human again…like everyone else. I don’t have many friends but the people I care about I care about deeply.That is why it hurts to not have the whole story…to have them taken out and away and hear everyone elses versions of events..to not be able to talk to them directly. I talk through people but never to them..It is a lonely place to be. Then I am told indirectly by different women he was only acting with me while pretending to be with them. I am told he was with me to hurt his opponent, not because he loved me. I can’t say that doesn’t hurt. The whole reason I wanted a divorce was to find someone who loved me for me…for my soul..and not someone who wanted to change me into someone I wasn’t. I wanted to be with someone who I wasn’t always trying to change. Replacements cannot work with me anymore. It takes me years to trust someone. That is why they want to get rid of me, discard me, the same way they kill off anyone who opposes their world view. Anyone they can’t control. Sometimes it feels so hopeless. I need to get out into nature. Please let it heal me…just for today.
Just had a dream about tc. Then I wake up and see that email. Strange. Even though my dreams have been chaotic and a little crazy I am more trusting in them. I don’t have a defeatist attitude in dreams most of the time. I still think life can change and get better. Then I wake up..and I recognize how far away I have drifted from change.