Dear diary + Help

• I have to listen to jokes? about living near the water…how it is $ (for you), but you won’t give my son an entry level job? I also have to listen to jokes about meth labs (Heather Rose) but my son can’t get a real job? I work to survive. The only other alternative for me in your mind was to marry someone who would care for me but never about me. Grateful I can pay my bills (for the most part), but you won’t afford my 25 year old son the same luxury? Are your images of yourselves really THAT important? Do you think you are God? Do you think you will never be held to account for YOUR sins?

• I will ask again..why won’t you help my son? We are the people you placed in the center of your dramas. Do you not understand the toll that takes? Do you not understand because you are so perfect yourselves and your children never make any mistakes? 24/7. Why do you speak of action and yet not take action to help? Is it because you are not allowed to? I honestly do not understand. You always put us in a position to prove ourselves to you. But after all you have done you don’t think you need to prove yourselves to us? You speak of equality but we are not equals in your eyes. We never were to some of you.

• What a mess some people have made of this world…grateful for the people who try to clean up the mess…even when it is not theirs. God sees you. He sees us all and knows your heart.

• sometimes I question if anything in my life was real or if it was all a movie set run by central bankers. I was/am just the prop. My children were/are real. That is what I know. They are controlled and influenced by the world too whether they know it or not. Society naturally looks for a hero. Real heroes. I look for one too but can’t find one. What am I not seeing?

• Don’t think I am going to use the headsets for now.

• My life feels like a never ending Black Mirror episode.

• How do you grieve when you don’t know what happened? When your world is full of stops and starts but no conclusion?

• From my VIEW people don’t like to solve problems in real life…they just like to film them. Prove me wrong. Doubtful you will.

• the sunshine state.. I remember reading on websites women talking about not being connected to their children. That was never the case with my depression. I was always extremely bonded to my children. I just got into a marriage where I did not feel emotionally connected to him and I lost touch with myself. I am not saying he is a bad person. I don’t feel that way. I think inherently he is a good person. We were just not good together. For some reason I feel like this narrative is not accepted. It has to be a problem with me..always. A chemical imbalance, postpartum, etc etc. It is never a problem with the environment. I feel like we both liked each other for the wrong reasons. You can have everything physically on the outside and internally die when there is no emotional connection. An emotional connection with someone who understood and loved me anyway was what I truly wanted. I have never found that..so I will continue to learn to love and accept myself alone .something I did not know how to do before I entered my marriage.

• It is the fear of being trapped that makes me want to run. Too many times people have pretended to be one person and then I found out they were the opposite of who they said they were. The whole Dr Jeckel Mr Hyde. You all know who everyone is and isn’t. I feel like I don’t know who anyone really is or was. That makes me extremely sad because I feel like my history has been erased and replaced. I feel like a prop in all your shows, not an active participant. It doesn’t look like anything is going to change. I am an extremely emotional person inside. So I will have to work on breathing strategies or find something to take away the feeling of being trapped. Because I feel it everywhere I go. And I wish I didn’t feel that way.