Dear diary + Help

• when I am in too much pain I want to run, run, run.

• It is just a feeling of this land is your land this land was never my land that I can’t seem to shake.

• Jessie talking about retirement village in FL. Maybe she meant the Village of SJ. Maybe she was making a joke about my forced retirement in 1999. How I wish I could talk to someone directly. How I wish I could have the whole story. There is some positive I see outside of myself by changing work sites. I never have the real story though. It is difficult to always have so many questions and no answers.

• Funny what conversations transfer over and how some don’t. I am seriously sick of some people. I think I am so glad I got away. But did I really get away because it doesn’t feel like it?Then I think about moving to Jacksonville but I don’t want to end up in Howdy land again. It seems like no matter where I go there is always some vindictive ex posing as a safe guy to gain access to my children. Will I ever be free?

• I don’t know how to get over the betrayal. Feeling trapped everywhere I go or plan on going. You created communities that did not include my kind.

• I don’t want K to die if he continues to interact with me (trial). I know nothing. But I think it is REALLY unfair that you expect me to stay single or “date” holograms until I die. I guess love of my children will have to be enough in this lifetime. I am so grateful for them. I just wanted..I expected..someone to be strong for me for once. Someone you don’t kill off.

• Forever swimming upstream.

• I want something good to happen God. My life has been about managing one crisis to the next…waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing ever changes. I live in a state of hyper vigilance and numbness at the same time. I need to cry but can’t. Why can’t my child get helped? Why can’t he find work? Are your zoo animals really that insignificant? Are we only alive to serve you? Is that how you view us? Are we here only to be used? And when we are no longer useful do you throw us away like trash? So much death. So much destruction. Why can’t something good happen for once?

• I do not understand the news AT ALL. I also do not trust the way most stories are reported.

• I think of ways to escape the Matrix, places to go. But what if there is no safe place? What if all the people I viewed as safe get killed off? What if all the exits are blocked off permanently?