Dear diary + Help

• ummm…that map sort of looks like a face..of someone I broke up with. If I move am I just going to end up in the same situation? :(

• strange how people aren’t responding. Are they under threat, do they not want to, sending a message to me, or something else? Very confusing.

• with the non response from m. D and the wigs. Many other msgs..do I need to find a different hairdresser again? Also I hate being sick.

• What i have now is memories, dreams, and reflections (Jung, Yo ung). Most of the reflections are not mine.

• I know I should be more positive. I still have anger and sadness over false starts. It feels like certain people I cared about entered my life to make some movie…but they had no intention of staying. Just feel used sometimes. It is frustrating not having the whole story.

• feel uneasy sharing insecurities, but i always know they attack no matter what i do, so what the hell. I never feel feminine or pretty anymore. Actually when I was younger I only remember feeling pretty two or three times..in Lake Tahoe wearing a black dress and at a high school reunion. I know my strength comes from the inside, not on getting approval from the outside…because it was never enough and I was my worst critic. I just would like to get in touch with my softer side. I want to feel feminine again. I am going to force myself to wear a dress today. I don’t want my life to be only about survival. I don’t want to always be on defense. I am so far away from who I used to be and who I want to be. With so much loss..everyone I have gotten close to has disappeared or died..I don’t want to lose myself in the process. In a cruel world I have to learn to be gentle with myself. Otherwise I will not survive.

  o

• Since the focus is always on me and all of the rules of innocent until proven guilty don’t apply to me .. I am going to respond to what a few people are insinuating on x (I think). AT. Also it is really weird that I have the initials of MJ because I can’t even imagine how attention towards CHILDREN comes up. Is that supposed to be related to me? All I can do is play charades with the world. No one is allowed to talk to me directly. Anyway I remember when Brooke was seeing Austin. There was a lot of stuff about white supremacy, etc. in the news at the time. We were all in the mall in Arlington one time and when we were walki ng I saw some tattoo on him (I think it was on the back of his knees? Don’t remember.) I wanted to know if it related to white supremacy. I don’t even remember what the tattoo was. Anyway one time I looked on her phone and took a screenshot of a picture where he was showing off his tattoos and I was trying to see if I could understand what they meant. I even asked her if a tattoo he had was related to white supremacy. She didn’t think so. I also took pictures of her diary because some of her writings scared me. Those appear to have been deleted from my phone (not by me). Despite his criminal record I did not have a problem with Austin (other than than concern about his tattoo. I wanted to make sure she was not dating a white supremacist). I wanted her to be with someone who cared about her as she had been in solitary confinement her first year of college..If that is a picture you are referencing in regards to AT then you are criminally insane. No offense to women who date younger men, but I am not attracted to younger men. Todd F and Pete S were a couple of years younger than I was and that felt weird to me. Since my divorce I have been asked out by a few men younger than I was. I always told them no. I wanted someone my age or older. A few of them made jokes that it wasn’t a big deal, I could give you names if you want, but I always said no..never interested in younger. Soo..I am trying to piece all of this bs together in my mind and honestly it doesn’t make any sense. In 2011 when I started to understand my family and I were being watched my first thought went to my children..protecting them. I went downstairs and Cliff had the news on our computer. It kept saying this sex ring or that sex ring was being busted. I freaked the hell out…started cutting wires in the house..in rehab there was some joke about a cat that I had never seen. I cut the cat 5 wires..wires that said cat on them..I screamed and cried relentlessly yelling that you were not going to hurt my children. I taped up the fixtures in the bathroom? How could they see us? I thought of the movie star 80 and remembered how I won Most Likely to be a Playboy Pinup in high school. I said I was going to bathe and shower in the dark until I knew my daughter was safe. I do that to this day because even though one or two people have implied she was safe I never believed them. I think the only time I took a shower in the light was at Mary L’s sisters house when we were on vacation. In the morning the only bathroom she had was not enclosed..there was a window and I couldn’t turn off the light. I was and am protesting. Anyway I think my point is they always hear what I say about them first and turn the tables on me. They accuse others of what they themselves are guilty of. This brings up a lot of pain for me. I remember that scene in The Hunger Games where JL volunteers for her sister. I remember feeling the same way about my children. I remember screaming in my xc90 “Take me. Kill me..but do not hurt my children. Do not film my children. Do not exploit my children.” Hurt me if you have to hurt someone but do not touch them. This pain never went away. It never left me. You continue to play stupid games where you hurt my children. You compare me to my child in your fake shows. Unlike you we are independent..we have different minds and bodies. We are not all one or whatever you think. I swear to God I spend too much time arguing with bots in real life and in my head. You called me insane. You locked me up in 2011 and tried to make me sign paperwork on day 1 that was not true. There is never any accountability for you. You are exempt. You get punished in movies but there are no consequences for you in real life. This is why I have to believe in God. There is no other choice. I have to believe in a world like the dream I had as a child. A world where there is no suffering or pain. A world where love and compassion exists. I guess I shouldn’t have expected so much living in Montgomery Cliff county where politics and power masquerading as care and concern were all that mattered. I always get captured. I always trust the wrong people. But in my dream a few hours ago I was free again, no different from anyone else. I have to believe I will feel that way again. Hope..what is that? I don’t remember. It is definitely not ho pe though. God I hate the way I dissect everything. I just want the meaning of my name.. peace. Why does the whole world feel so damn corrupt?

• I rarely have good dreams, but when I do I am back in time 20 years ago and the kids are young. I don’t know the secret and I have so much to look forward to. In this last dream the HOA where Cliff and I lived decided to build a huge beach area, pool, park across the street from our house. The kids and I were so happy and excited. It looked so realistic. Then I wake up.

• Now to figure out the sleeping med issue.. I like my doctor, I have just seen how the pharma companies have profited from my pain (Cypress Creek anyone? Hope it is not related to W.press. No one can compete with big pharma’s money). Anyway I see how certain people at the top take over well meaning people, professionals, and institutions. I would like to have a say over what goes into my body. Maybe I don’t have a say and it is your “right” to control everything. I would just like to feel less like cattle for one day. I would also like to sleep. It is funny that I am always wide awake while people who should be wide awake sleep like babies.

• maybe it was the opposite…maybe I was leaving Jacksonville…either way I don’t want my life to be about who made the better tv show or movie. All I wanted was real..maybe in my next lifetime I will find it..maybe not. I am in no way suicidal. I haven’t thought like that since 2011..Fighting everyone else’s demons made me stronger unfortunately. It also made me realize my demons were not that bad in comparison.