Dear diary + Help

• J at Aspen Hill…”They are not your family. We are your family.” I felt that. My questions do not come from nowhere. Unfortunately I don’t think they will be answered sufficiently in this lifetime. At one time I thought there was something I could do to get the answers. Now unfortunately I think I am going to have to live with the uncertainty. If you have roots please be grateful. I am more like a candle in the wind. Never knowing. And there in lies the discomfort for you..knowing you could do something but realizing you won’t because too many social structures rely on secrecy and mystery.

• https://youtu.be/7PF-JuF1SMA

• https://youtu.be/ptkJKeTyuFg

• changed my mind..not going in. :( will need to start working overtime to pay off the taxes.

• I never claimed to be any kind of religious figure. If anything I am the opposite. I simply had questions about who my bio father was/is. It is not a crime for me to ask the question is it? I have a feeling I am going into a religious institution that is not friendly towards me today. Hopefully they will do no harm. I never asked for this.

• https://youtu.be/KMdAml_eHXo

• I miss his voice. RR. It always calmed me down. When my dad was a partner at one of the Big 8 accounting firms his secretary told me all of the secretaries had a crush on my dad. She said they had a crush on him because they thought he looked like Robert Redford or Jack Nicholson. This was back in the days when everything felt harmless and innocent.

• I can never date again because I don’t know if a man is really there for me or for his own egotistical issues by pretending I am someone else.

• Sometimes I wonder if I should have gotten married at all…but then I remember how I was before I met him. A boat at sea with no anchor. Cliff grounded me in many ways. I had to grow up. Life was crazy because I knew something was different about my life, something was off. But I didn’t have the words for the exclusion. I just had the behaviors. Before knowing the secret I took the craziness of the world and turned it on myself. I was extremely self destructive. If I hadn’t met Cliff when I did I may not still be here. I also wouldn’t have experienced the times of pure joy and love with my children. I just wish I knew they were safe. I always feel like I have to protect them from the craziness they are unaware of from the outside. They don’t have the words for it. I do.

• Did you forget about my son?