Dear diary + Help

• at one point in my life i unknowingly lashed out at the wrong people (john stamps, woody). i did it unconsciously..never deliberately..would not hurt others like that. There had been a lot of trauma..my body knew even if my mind didn’t have the words for it. The anger and confusion was placed on the wrong people though..i was easily manipulated at a young age. I drank too much at a young age and had an eating disorder. My unconscious took over and I hurt myself. Growing older, after understanding some of the games that were played, the ego/superego kicked in and I learned how to care about the id. Even if no one else loved her for who she was..I would..despite all of her annoying traits and personality flaws. There were perpetrators, no one in my life was perfect, but they were not the people who hurt me..not the men I named in private. In PRIVATE. I think the confusion started when I was young..the day my sister was born. The days of the w’s and making people compete against each other. I don’t like it when people talk about my body…or about private interactions I had with previous boyfriends. I like to be in control of what I share and don’t share..You would feel the same way if your personal life was invaded on a daily basis. I didn’t know who anyone was and I had no idea they all had agendas..completely separate from what I wanted…which was only to be loved for who I was. I never wanted to be compared to anyone else. The worst feeling in the world is to compare your insides to others outsides.

• Tiny kernals of truth are mixed in with their delusional shows so no one knows what to believe. Confusion leads to chaos and chaos can be controlled…by certain people. I try to switch lawn chairs on the Titanic, thinking I can change my view, but it is still going down…no matter what I do. I did not love the right people in this world. I didn’t love their actors the way I should have. Politics and power for some trumps human decency and respect…so they make us not human. That justifies their actions. It is just politics, just a game, we win, you lose. That’s just the way it is..my dad said that song reminded him of me. That used to be me, but not anymore. Some women are happy being alone. I was never one of those women. But I can’t be with someone I don’t love. With love there has to be trust and I no longer trust anyone anymore. I cannot start with someone new as I do not know who his puppetmaster is. There is always a puppetmaster otherwise they are not allowed in. We are not free. I never will be free. I guess I just have to accept I will never have what others have. I will always be alone. That is so very difficult as I have brief memories of being happy with certain people. I was truly happy for a few minutes. Acceptance is such a difficult concept for me, but if I don’t learn to accept my circumstances I will never survive them.

• I don’t really know who anyone is or was. All I know is politics comes with a price. Being rejected in a movie is not the same as rejecting someone in real life. I watch the opposite of reality onscreen over and over…or I watch a skewed version of someone else’s reality that the public believes. It is just art but people do not treat us that way. To some art is reality and we just need to obey.

• Who has the power to keep killing? Why does he or she have that power? I always ask why. Why couldn’t my life have been normal…like everyone elses?

• July 9 2021. Rest in peace Sonny. I know you tried to tell me but it was still a shock. No wonder I have been extra sad lately.

• not a happy camper today..obviously

• You never include me in any of the major decisions (that always seem to benefit you financially) and yet I am supposed to make major life changes in my life to benefit you? Why? Explain. First of all you don’t exist and second of all there cannot be a second of all if the first is not acknowledged.or u can continue to w f. F w. Whatever that means…double you. Pia zadora. Miss wed e kind’s class..pizza. I have no idea as no one tells me anything…Have at it because the originals don’t matter. I never did.

• I don’t know when the F Ha (waii) loans are going to go through. I just wish some people would leave me alone and go back to pretend screwing each other. I don’t know why you think I have anything to do with all of the equations you never explain to me!

• another frustrating day of not figuring out the signs 😒 😪 😑 😕

• I lied..I would never ask them for help $ unless I was in a life or death situation..Also I have no idea who controls my employment. All I know is that it is controlled.