Dear diary + Help

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i miss freedom the most..feeling that i am free. that is what i miss the most.
also i don’t know if you are attacking each other or me or both in your shows. i just don’t know.
from a human standpoint…(some people still know what that is, right?) i feel embarrassed and ashamed i thought certain people were my friends. it turns out they were just using me for some movie with political undertones. they call me SCHitzophrenic when every single one if their actions is schitzophrenic. it is really really crazy. because of this who can i trust? maybe no one anymore. besides none of this exists. that is why therapy can’t help…the first step in dealing with a problem is acknowledging that the problem exists..and you don’t exist. it’s all in my mind. as i have stated many times before it is not up to a dog in a shelter to unlock their door. only you can open their kennel door. but you won’t because you would lose your power, control, influence, and money. so i’ll just remain in hell…or dantes inferno whatever that is.
saw them in concert when cliff and i were dating…with rena and christopher. they were incredible. https://youtu.be/yafcId3UYcE?si=UVy0Zqj8Gqz4A7TS
sometimes i write when angry and depressed. then i look back at what i wrote and think i am not always this upset. i guess writing is a tool i use to let go of what i can let go of so i can continue on with the day. i know in the past it was worse when i held everything in and then exploded. this place is like a slow leak of emotions so i don’t go insane even if i am just talking to myself. i have read a few other people’s posts and they are very insightful…life is not always as terrible as i make it out to be.
https://youtu.be/zyFzpBAZICc?si=6VzuL1M9nLVh8oCg you’ll see…

Not sure what was revealed, but know they will change the subject and create another diversion…
He would always try to explain things to me. Unfortunately I did not always understand as no one could speak to me directly. Maybe one day I’ll understand.
https://youtu.be/EBPZaYv0_AM?si=Syc689iFzuZFhvlG
https://youtu.be/Ee01nUzfUTc?si=7u2MgYvb3S4cDbNz
I don’t know if FL will be better. I don’t know if loriL was supposed to have been brooke and you made me tracy. ? I don’t know if I am walking into another death trap. But the ocean reminds me how strong nature is..how resilient and overpowering..how small i am compared to it. When the spotlight is on you and you can’t exit stage left when you want to…you get this feeling you have to try to control everything…your emotions, reactions, your childrens environments. I can’t let go. You realize you don’t really control anything, but you like to think you have some say in the outcome of your life. Free will and all. Then you go to the ocean and you realize you can’t really control anything. It is beautiful though and you get a sense that maybe, just maybe, some greater force is involved and is working towards yours and the world’s good. Basically the Robert Frost feeling of miles to go before I sleep feeling on a daily basis, but when I am in nature (not a closed forest but an open ocean) it feels like there is an escape. There is an escape route where I am free. When I was a kid in Hawaii I used to stare out into the ocean and believe there was a family waiting for me..I still have that feeling today. Maybe I am a fool and there are just more T Blisses out there…Lions for Lambs…what did it mean? What does it mean? Am I safe anywhere? Will I ever feel my children and I are safe again?