Dear diary + Help

• Run on sentences…my thoughts rarely have perfect grammar.

• It’s a dull pain. I have learned to live with it.

• The last thing I was thinking last night before signing out..Jim I thought you were going to show me where to go where I could be safe.

• The most difficult part of grief is not having the whole (not hole or w hole) story about the past. I have no idea of what happened and who did what. I get little pieces of the puzzle but I can never make the pieces fit. The people competing (I don’t want to compete I just want to live) against me use my blindness and ignorance of their language to their advantage. I would go to therapy to grieve but what would I talk about? To whom shall I complain? I don’t even know what happened and it is not like I am going to find out by watching others art. So how do I grieve? Meditation? Tears? How do I let go when I don’t even know my history..not his story..history. It feels like it has been erased. Maybe that was what my dream was about. Being the center of attention on the world stage but feeling completely invisible at the same time.

• Horrible dream about Cliff and visiting Newland Ct. Was embarrassed in front of my children and shunned by all of his social circles. In the dream he told me as a stay at home mother I was just a person who drove the children to a few events. That was it. I was furious. It was Halloween. I was crying and had no one to call. In real life it is so strange to have so much support online from actors, actresses, etc. but to have no one to talk to in real life.

• I grieve for the past..what could have been. What should have been. I look towards the future with trepidation and a tiny bit of hope. At least they don’t appear to deny they can hear me at work and most don’t seem to hate me. I wish I could know others a little better..but you know, humans. Oh well.

• https://www.facebook.com/share/v/19jMUsMAPm/

• Tom Hanks Castaway scene..put it on x…have had a fear of dentists since 2011.

• I don’t want to bash other businesses but I have fears..justified fears. Before moving here Pete M recommended a movie called Girl in the Spiders Web or something like that. I can’t help but feel I have been caught up in another web. Of lies of deceit. Of everyone will listen to you because you have all of the money and the pretty people to do your bidding. I always feel like I am in a trap…poked..prodded…tested. I felt it everywhere I went, every job I had. Felt it at Thus. Este all a they us. Delta. Dell Webb. Fidelt. Florida. A web. It may be funny to a lot of people because I do not have the same language as you. I don’t understand your language but there are consequences as to what I put in my body. Consequences I never asked for because I did nothing wrong. I was born into your system. I was born into a subservient position even though so many act like they are the victims. You don’t know how it feels to not feel in control of your body. To know people use you until you are all used up. I just don’t know what to do. I know I have to go to the dentists I just do not want to. I paid out of pocket in the past because I was afraid of insurance. I am afraid of people owning us more than they already do. I am tired of feeling entrapped. And who the hell was Lori anyway? There is no escape. One day at a time.

• F Lori da. Is anywhere safe because it doesn’t feel like it.