Dear diary + Help

• I’m afraid to go to the dentists. The last place I went to was close to a veterans center in tx. Tried to find the safest place. I didn’t want to use the insurance..didn’t trust it. They asked me to sign something right before a procedure was done…while I was in the chair. I wasn’t happy about that. I have abscesses on both sides of my bottom gums. I feel dizzy today. Don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Need help but know there was damage in the past. The bridge. The crown. Want control over my own body. Need help where no one is making a profit. Just went through the whole ordeal with the sleeping med. Have nowhere to go.

• With all of your policy decisions and actions I ask myself was your intention to harm or to help? And when you received new information did you change or keep the status quo? So many questions I need answers to.

• The ugliness that followed doesn’t negate the beauty from when they were younger. From that time that I believed they were safe and protected. I am hoping I am reading the tr/md meeting correctly as far as products go. The trees reminded me of when Jim tried to help me before leaving. Of course they have to throw it in my face that “Holly” never left..she is still a prisoner.

• Still confused about sleeping med.

• When people die in my life others look at it as if they are just watching a movie. That is not how I experience it.

• I see pictures of people I knew with their grandchildren. I am never going to experience that.

• I know their art and movies are more a reflection of who *they* are than about who I am. I get that. Whatever deficiencies they feel about themselves they project onto others..namely me. There will always be people who buy into it. I was influenced by the news and entertainment media until I saw how many times they distorted the truth to gain influence and power for themselves. Sometimes their propaganda and sick fantasies are nauseating..I mean, who could come up with some of these plot lines..who could even think about stories so evil?..but as I have always said. If they keep the attention on the ants on the ground rather than on the adult child who is burning them with a magnifying glass nothing will change. The elites bank on your apathy. They bank on you not caring. If no one cares then no one questions their bad behavior. Evil is normalized. It is not normal to me. You projecting your insecurities and sociopathic views onto me is not going to make anything that you project true. Also as I have stated it is not a matter of why didn’t the ants move this way or do something different to not get killed. It is a matter of others taking away magnifying glasses from insecure psychopathic bullies or at least turning the magnifying glass back on them in the hot hot sun. I have had enough of your bs. I have had enough of you projecting your sick fantasy life onto my life just to win awards. Disgusting.

• One of the reasons I left my marriage was because I felt like an object. I truly felt that I could find someone who would love me for me. I wanted what you had, but I see now I wanted something that didn’t exist. If I felt I had one true friend in this, who had no ties or obligations to Hollywood, or a network, or Humane Society, etc I might be happier. But every day it is a different betrayal, until there is no one left…not really. Only voices on screen..Even when you get together with family and friends there is at least one voice trying to assert their dominance and control. Not much is natural anymore. I move from one jail to a prison. People say they are one way, but then you find out they are the exact opposite of who they pretend to be. I see why I bonded to animals and my children when they were younger..(still bonded but society taught them how to lie. I suppose I did too as I cannot tell them what I really think or feel)..They were the only ones not lying. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel love for some people. I do. It is just not the same after betrayal and betrayal and betrayal. I cannot trust anyone anymore.

• Not everyone is like that are they?

• Rr was right. They do treat you like an object. They see you as an object and not as a human being. People wonder why I fought so hard for my children to not be used in the same way? What is wrong with the world? How can some people claim to be religious when they treat their fellow human beings, their “friends” like objects? I don’t understand God. Can you explain it to me?