Dear diary + Help

• Really confused

• Completely unrelated but when they sent me over to the other department there was a supervisor there who kind of reminded me of MarkW. I have always liked him a lot as an actor. Also didn’t hurt I used to have a major crush on him. People I get a good feeling from do affect my decisions (dream water even though once again it is probably not related). I had a dream before the matrix movie came out that I was caught in a maze and couldn’t trust anyone. The only way out was to find the souls I had a connection with and follow them. That was the only way out. The only way to freedom. I am so grateful to actors but I really miss not having friends in real life. Because of what happened and me not knowing who anyone is or was anymore (along with the perceived betrayals) I cannot have or be a friend. I don’t know how to overcome this.

• How can you help us when you won’t even be honest about the problem…you won’t admit you exist. In regards to addiction…it is a connection problem..in my family there is a difference between being raised in a zoo compared to being raised in the wild. We were raised in a zoo. Even if an animal was born into captivity they may sense that something is off without knowing exactly what it is..It is very painful when you cut my arm off and then ask me to fight. When the three men I cared about (Randy, Sonny, & Jim) are killed off. Then I get to watch them act with other women…live happily ever after…so fun for me. I don’t want to be this angry but how am I supposed to feel when I feel all my body was used for was for celebrities to f each other or to f each other over? I know this isn’t pleasant conversation. I know you want me to act and feel differently. But when your treatment centers are more damaging than actual treatment how else am I supposed to feel? What am I not understanding???

• I wasn’t going to respond to a random person’s comment…but…blaming me for supporting sex traffickers after nearly dying to protect my children in 2011 (remember Cypress Creek when I was locked up for no reason) is similar to you blaming Helen Keller for not being able to describe the Mona Lisa perfectly in detail. You are a special kind of idiot aren’t you?

• is there any makeup I can use that doesn’t hate me? Cliff is in queen so I guess that is out. My grandma used that brand and it is good quality. I could go on and on about all of the others but I would rather not. I just would like to know what is good for me and not everyone else for once..

• Sometimes when I am lost in thoughts at work…dark thoughts like who betrayed me? Was anyone truly ever my friend or does everyone just use each other? Was I wrong about this person too? Is he or she a sell out? Is there anyone I can trust? I stop and think what if I die and the devil tells me there is no God..there never was one and I am alone. I think even if he or she tells me that I am still going to believe in God..I am going to believe that there is a safe place..a refuge..like in my dream as a child. Even if everything is stripped away and taken away I am still going to believe in Him. I am still going to believe he loves me and will save me. They may control everything but they cannot control my mind.

• Too many bad people pretending to be good. Too many good people pretending to be bad. I wish people would just BE good people again.

• So many things in society that were thought of as acceptable hit me as extremely abusive. It feels like the mean girls in high school never grew up…they just learned how to play the victim or protector (what a joke) better. Sucker punching someone you don’t even know because someone told you to do it while receiving accolades for your behavior is not noble. It is not admirable. It is sick. But you continue to do you and ignore all of the harm you have caused.

• thank you but what about my SON?

• Truly disappointed in my employer right now. I honestly thought they cared about my son. I’m an idiot. All certain people care about is power and politics. Very sad. They make movies pretending to care..but they don’t care. They raise you up just to watch you fall. They give you things and people just to film your sadness when they take them away…